Today

Well, in September a teacher here at our new school in Hong Kong told us about a fertility doctor here that we should check out. So I called them and made an appointment for December. In December we had our consultation and presented what we'd been through. After an examination it was determined that I had two fibroids. One low and small inside my uterus - not really affecting anything and another large one outside my uterus. I knew about that one. It presses on my bladder and causes me discomfort from time to time. The doctor advised that it was large and we should consider getting it removed and at the same time see what else is going on. However she said we could try the IUI procedure a few times first if we wanted to. So we began Clomid 50 mg for 5 days starting on day 2 of my cycle. That was a change because back home I did 50 mg on days 6-10. Then I had to return for ultrasounds every few days and get injections of Puregon. That was new also and I was of course anxious about that. I'm not a fan of needles - who is? Also, here in Hong Kong it's not like we can jump in the car and drive over to the doctors. I walk, take a train 4 stops, then exit the station and take a shuttle bus to the hospital. It's a bit of a process. Then you always have to wait forever to be seen. My appointment could be 4:30 but I won't be seen until like 5:20. Then you have to wait again for the nurse to "finish up" with paperwork and the bill and what medications I need when. Then you have to go downstairs to the main hospital where the pharmacy is. You turn in your paperwork. They call you up and you pay, then you go sit down and wait again and they call you with your medicine. It's a big process every time and exhausting and of course I'm always a bit nervous too so when I leave I'm done.

So the last time I "responded" well with two good follicles it seemed and so we went ahead with the IUI procedure. I was so nervous considering the pain I suffered last time back in the U.S. But the nurse and doctor were so amazing. Because I have that small fibroid (which the nurse practitioner before in the US didn't catch) she had to use a different catheter and it went up so easily. They used an ultrasound machine at the same time so we could see the catheter made it up and everything went so smoothly. The only discomfort was my full bladder they made me have with my fibroid pushing. But I was thrilled! I was so sure this was it. We had eliminated all issues -I had good follicles - why not? The two week wait almost killed me. I say almost because the Lord never gives us more then we can handle so I did survive but it drove me nuts. They put me on progesterone suppositories that I had to "insert" up myself for the two weeks which is also something my old doctor never did. That gives you the same symptoms as early pregnancy so I was going crazy not knowing if I was or not. I day before I was supposed to test my DH knocked my progesterone suppositories into the toilet and the could not be retrieved. My fault for leaving them where I did! So I bought a test - I figured what's one day? Well, it was negative. Oh - the dismay! Well, I held out and tested again the next day. Still negative. Then aunt flo came. I was so disappointed! All that work and nothing...so then they told me I had to take one month off. I was bummed at first but it was actually so nice to shelf it for a month. Then it was time to begin again. That's where I am currently.

I got my period on Saturday, the 19th of March. I was seen on Monday the 21st for an ultrasound and prescribed my Clomid. I began it that night. I had to give myself an injection of Puregon on Friday the 25th and Sunday the 27th. I was so brave and DH helped me and I got through it. But each time we were done I was shaking after. It was so nervewracking to prepare it and then do it. It isn't so much that it hurt as what we were actually doing that hit me after the fact each time. Just another lovely side effect! I didn't sleep well all week - I kept getting hot flashes in the night and even in the day. It's a nice preview of menopause. It starts from deep inside of you until you have sweat on your upper lip and you want to strip naked. Then a few minutes later you're fine. Ugh! Another common side effect. Also, mild headaches, foggy feeling, tiredness, weight gain and emotional ups and downs. But that's all well worth it for a baby. If only I could be sure it would result in one.

Today I went to the doctors for me progress check. I had an ultrasound to see how many follicles I had and how mature they were. Well, I only have one mature follicle but it's growing slowly. That's on my left side. My right ovary is being blocked by my ever growing fibroid and doesn't seem to have any mature follicles. My tube may be being stretched by the fibroid also. Disappointment. Only one follicle? After all that medication? I should have 2-3 healthy follicles after all this. But no. Now I've been prescribed a different medication - Gonal F which is stronger and I have to inject myself tonight, tomorrow and Thursday nights. It's in a pen and I dial the amount. Looks easier. We'll see. I was struck with the thought that I should be producing one healthy egg every month. Why do I have to work so hard to produce one sort of okay slow growing follicle? Is this journey almost over? Am I getting too old? Are my eggs no good? Can I accept that? I think in my head I can but in my heart it's crushing. I've been tearing up all morning. I know God is with me but I still feel so alone. I have friends who I can tell and they say things like "God has a good plan and I know it will work out" but while that is true it doesn't help. And I thought - is it okay to be sad? I should be trusting in God and giving Him my burden and going about my business but then I thought yes, that's true too but it's okay to be sad. As long as it doesn't take over. God gave us emotions. And it's natural for humans to want to reproduce. God also created us to do that. Why I can't I don't know. Then some people say "Well, you can always adopt." Yes, that's true too but somehow I'll always feel like I missed something. Something special happens when a woman is pregnant and gives birth to this child that is part her and part her husband and totally God. It's taking part of the creation process. And to breast feed and bond and experience all of that. That is important to me. I know I should hope and that I shouldn't give up but year after year goes by and nothing so I feel like my dream is fading away. Have we been trying to hard on our own and not letting God be in control? But we went years without doing anything, then gradually doing a little more and now the specialist. I'm not sure. And being a teacher is hard. I have all these wonderful, adorable students that I teach and care for. I wonder what it's like to actually be a parent. We have lots of friends with wonderful children. It's so hard to hang out time and again. I try not to be jealous, and to smile and have a good attitude but when the conversation switches to diapers and mom's groups I'm left out. I know God wants me to have a good attitude and so I press on. I pray for them and their children and hope someday I get to be a mom.

It's also stressful having to take time off of school. People ask what kind of doctors appointment do I have - I'm not visibly sick. So then I have to explain or not explain. That's hard. I want to give up and I want to never give up. Well, having this blog helps get it out. I know there are more women going through this then one would think. I see them all in the waiting room at the doctors office. It's sad. Last week, when I went to the doctors, I saw a woman in a wheelchair in hospital clothes and her head was bent and she was leaning on her hand with wadded up tissues. My heart went out to her and I prayed for her on the spot. She looked sooo sad and I never even saw her face. Did she work hard and suffer a loss? I don't know what her story is but I know that just being in that office means it isn't a good thing. Well, I have little hope that this cycle will work. Maybe I'll be surprised. But mostly I've had so many disappointments that I don't see why it would. Except with God. But I'm looking ahead, preparing myself for surgery in the future. I will be more comfortable with that fibroid gone...

Lord, I pray for all the women out there suffering from fertility issues. Comfort them, give them hope, bless them Lord. We know you never give us more then we can handle but this burden is so heavy. Give us all guidance and help us to know Your will in this. In Jesus name I ask and pray. Amen.