My Story

I was the little girl who had dolls upon dolls and I loved to care for them. I used real diapers whenever possible and saved up my allowance to buy the original Baby Alive. You could mix up this neon toxic looking goo and feed it to your poor doll and by using a lever in her back she would "eat" the food and "poo" it out into a real diaper. Oh delight of my heart! The commercial even said "I love the way you make me feel - you're so real." When I was 7 my brother was born and I loved taking care of his baby needs. When he outgrew his baby stuff my mom gave me some of the clothes and items and I set up housekeeping in my room. My ambitions in life were to go to college (because you were supposed to), do art and get married and have babies and a home of my own. Well, I grew up, went to graphic design school and became a graphic designer, got married, went back to school, became a teacher and still no kids. My husband and I even talked about how we wanted to have kids 2 months after we met. We've been married 10 years this year and still no kids. So this is my journey into the world of infertility...I know that God has a good plan for my life and won't let these desires of our hearts go unfulfilled but how it all works out only He knows.

We knew there was something going on when we started having unprotected intercourse and nothing happened after a year. But I was going back to school and so did my husband (we're both teachers now) and so we put it on the shelf. After I started teaching I began reading books on fertility, especially "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weschler. A definite must read by the way. http://www.tcoyf.com/. I learned how to read my body signs, how to take my temperature and chart it, how to use that in conjunction with ovulation kits to determine the best time of the cycle to get pregnant. Basically how my body really works. I became almost obsessed with myself. I was determined to make it happen. I bought this stuff called Preseed and I'm sure it works well for some people. Not me. I thought maybe my cervical mucus was hostile or not adequate. I tried taking the Robitussin, I tried using those cups you insert to keep the sperm "up there." I spent hours on the internet reading blogs and posts. I tried everything I could find. I cut things out of my diet. I added them. But nothing worked. So then I decided to get more serious. I made an appointment with a new OBGYN and they began tests on me. They took my blood and it was determined that I had high FSH levels. I remember I was on a little getaway with my husband right before Christmas when I got that message from the doctors. I looked up what it meant and it meant that I could be going into early menopause. I freaked out and got together with my friend at Starbucks and cried and cried. I thought it was over. But then they had me start taking Clomid and I responded really well. My levels came back normal and all seemed well. I also had to have a hysterosalpingogram, where they check to see if your tubes were clear. That was scary - I read it can be extremely painful, especially if you do have blockage. It was awkward, slightly uncomfortable but not painful for me thank goodness and my tubes were clear! My doctor said great - you'll probably get pregnant with the Clomid - you have good follicles growing etc. But I didn't. After three months of hoping, waiting, analyzing signs nothing had happened. So then, in a hurry, the nurse practitioner (I rarely saw the doctor) told me we had to go for an IUI (intrauterine insemination) with that current cycle (my fourth). I didn't know what it meant or what to expect. My husband's sperm was in the low-normal range and I had follicles so it was a go. I got a shot in my behind of HCG to make my eggs release and then we were told to return with my husbands sample like two days later. We had to scramble to take time off of work and make sure we had the money (insurance doesn't cover infertility). It worked out that we took care of dear husband (DH) in the morning and he went back to work and I went later for the actual procedure. It's supposed to be very simple. They thread a very small catheter up your cervix into your uterus and insert the washed and prepared sperm sample. Then egg and sperm should meet and voila! But my experience was anything but that. This nurse practitioner performed the procedure and said she did them all the time. She couldn't get the catheter up my cervix and said she had to dilate me. I'm not entirely sure what went on "down there" but it involved metal tongs, pain and a lot of bleeding. She said she couldn't get it all the way up but was sure it was fine. I left in pain and knowing it didn't work. I felt like there was something seriously wrong with me and I was majorly discouraged. Then, to top it off, after an extremely difficult two week wait, my period was 2 days late. It is NEVER late. So my hopes rose a little and then when my period came that was it. It was Friday, November 13th. I became depressed, angry at God, angry at everyone and would mope around. Finally one day my husband said here's some money - go shopping - you're too depressed. Poor guy. That day I found this book at the Christian book store called Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow by Nancy Guthrie. It snapped me out of my depression, I got over myself and long story short the journey to teach in Hong Kong began. That's where I find myself now. In Hong Kong. And I've begun the fertility journey again - here in a strange country. Maybe God holds the answers for me here. That is yet to be discovered.