Dealing with "moms"

Well, tonight was another one of those awesome gatherings of friends and their many children...I love these people who we have been brought together with during our stint as overseas teachers at an International school in Hong Kong but - alas - they have beautiful chubby babies and the sweetest little toddlers you ever saw! The few older children are so good with the little ones too. The guys end up in a group talking about sports. Yes, sports was the reason we got together tonight. Apparently the guys had a March Madness basketball pool and we were celebrating the winner with pizza. It sounds fun. It was fun but underlying was my discomfort. I am talking to the women. Discussions turn from weather and recent vacations and activities during spring break to mom talk. Yup, the mom talk always happens...and it would be one thing if I was that young single girl or that newly married young girl listening wide-eyed to the wisdom of these moms...the sad thing is I can join them on some topics because I've done so much reading - sad I know - but I don't have any kids. I just sit there silently as they talk about brands of cloth diapers, immunization shots, public versus private clinics...once again I don't fit in. I'm actually older then most of them by a few years. They know our trouble. It's awkward and uncomfortable for me. And to be honest - I hate it. But what am I going to do? Hide. Be anti-social. I can't do that either. Somehow I went from hanging out with people my own age who I had a lot in common with to now hanging out with people my own age that I don't have anything in common with. Most of these ladies are in a "mom" group together. I should have several kids. If I could have had them when I wanted to I'd have an 8 year old, a 5 year old and a 2 year old or thereabouts. Then my dear husband manages to hold all the babies and play with all the toddlers and all the women say how good he is with kids...sigh...I know he is!!!!! Again, the road of infertility is bumpy and hilly and totally unpleasant and .... lonely...this scene repeats over and over again. And I smile and act like I belong when really I don't... On a different note - two things I'm proud of today. I ran 2.14 miles and we are good at injections now. Who would have thought I could do this? When first they said we could do them at home I thought - we could never! But we can and it doesn't hurt. It's okay. Actually, when I rinse with Listerine it hurts far more than the shot ever does! Thank you Lord for that! I have a friend who is diabetic and I used to think how can she give herself insulin every day? But you do what you have to do...and so far no side effects from the Gonal-F. I was actually in a good mood today and felt more gracious toward people (a small miracle here in crowded Hong Kong). I ran because I need to try and lose all the weight I've gained from being on fertility medications and eating bad to deal with my emotions...I'm retraining myself to not use sweets that way. Like I'll be really tired and stressed out and say to myself "well I deserve a candy bar" and then I find I buy sweets all the time so I'm changing that. And decreasing portion size. Well, that's all for today. One more injection tomorrow night and then I go back to the doctors for my ultrasound on Friday.

Today

Well, in September a teacher here at our new school in Hong Kong told us about a fertility doctor here that we should check out. So I called them and made an appointment for December. In December we had our consultation and presented what we'd been through. After an examination it was determined that I had two fibroids. One low and small inside my uterus - not really affecting anything and another large one outside my uterus. I knew about that one. It presses on my bladder and causes me discomfort from time to time. The doctor advised that it was large and we should consider getting it removed and at the same time see what else is going on. However she said we could try the IUI procedure a few times first if we wanted to. So we began Clomid 50 mg for 5 days starting on day 2 of my cycle. That was a change because back home I did 50 mg on days 6-10. Then I had to return for ultrasounds every few days and get injections of Puregon. That was new also and I was of course anxious about that. I'm not a fan of needles - who is? Also, here in Hong Kong it's not like we can jump in the car and drive over to the doctors. I walk, take a train 4 stops, then exit the station and take a shuttle bus to the hospital. It's a bit of a process. Then you always have to wait forever to be seen. My appointment could be 4:30 but I won't be seen until like 5:20. Then you have to wait again for the nurse to "finish up" with paperwork and the bill and what medications I need when. Then you have to go downstairs to the main hospital where the pharmacy is. You turn in your paperwork. They call you up and you pay, then you go sit down and wait again and they call you with your medicine. It's a big process every time and exhausting and of course I'm always a bit nervous too so when I leave I'm done.

So the last time I "responded" well with two good follicles it seemed and so we went ahead with the IUI procedure. I was so nervous considering the pain I suffered last time back in the U.S. But the nurse and doctor were so amazing. Because I have that small fibroid (which the nurse practitioner before in the US didn't catch) she had to use a different catheter and it went up so easily. They used an ultrasound machine at the same time so we could see the catheter made it up and everything went so smoothly. The only discomfort was my full bladder they made me have with my fibroid pushing. But I was thrilled! I was so sure this was it. We had eliminated all issues -I had good follicles - why not? The two week wait almost killed me. I say almost because the Lord never gives us more then we can handle so I did survive but it drove me nuts. They put me on progesterone suppositories that I had to "insert" up myself for the two weeks which is also something my old doctor never did. That gives you the same symptoms as early pregnancy so I was going crazy not knowing if I was or not. I day before I was supposed to test my DH knocked my progesterone suppositories into the toilet and the could not be retrieved. My fault for leaving them where I did! So I bought a test - I figured what's one day? Well, it was negative. Oh - the dismay! Well, I held out and tested again the next day. Still negative. Then aunt flo came. I was so disappointed! All that work and nothing...so then they told me I had to take one month off. I was bummed at first but it was actually so nice to shelf it for a month. Then it was time to begin again. That's where I am currently.

I got my period on Saturday, the 19th of March. I was seen on Monday the 21st for an ultrasound and prescribed my Clomid. I began it that night. I had to give myself an injection of Puregon on Friday the 25th and Sunday the 27th. I was so brave and DH helped me and I got through it. But each time we were done I was shaking after. It was so nervewracking to prepare it and then do it. It isn't so much that it hurt as what we were actually doing that hit me after the fact each time. Just another lovely side effect! I didn't sleep well all week - I kept getting hot flashes in the night and even in the day. It's a nice preview of menopause. It starts from deep inside of you until you have sweat on your upper lip and you want to strip naked. Then a few minutes later you're fine. Ugh! Another common side effect. Also, mild headaches, foggy feeling, tiredness, weight gain and emotional ups and downs. But that's all well worth it for a baby. If only I could be sure it would result in one.

Today I went to the doctors for me progress check. I had an ultrasound to see how many follicles I had and how mature they were. Well, I only have one mature follicle but it's growing slowly. That's on my left side. My right ovary is being blocked by my ever growing fibroid and doesn't seem to have any mature follicles. My tube may be being stretched by the fibroid also. Disappointment. Only one follicle? After all that medication? I should have 2-3 healthy follicles after all this. But no. Now I've been prescribed a different medication - Gonal F which is stronger and I have to inject myself tonight, tomorrow and Thursday nights. It's in a pen and I dial the amount. Looks easier. We'll see. I was struck with the thought that I should be producing one healthy egg every month. Why do I have to work so hard to produce one sort of okay slow growing follicle? Is this journey almost over? Am I getting too old? Are my eggs no good? Can I accept that? I think in my head I can but in my heart it's crushing. I've been tearing up all morning. I know God is with me but I still feel so alone. I have friends who I can tell and they say things like "God has a good plan and I know it will work out" but while that is true it doesn't help. And I thought - is it okay to be sad? I should be trusting in God and giving Him my burden and going about my business but then I thought yes, that's true too but it's okay to be sad. As long as it doesn't take over. God gave us emotions. And it's natural for humans to want to reproduce. God also created us to do that. Why I can't I don't know. Then some people say "Well, you can always adopt." Yes, that's true too but somehow I'll always feel like I missed something. Something special happens when a woman is pregnant and gives birth to this child that is part her and part her husband and totally God. It's taking part of the creation process. And to breast feed and bond and experience all of that. That is important to me. I know I should hope and that I shouldn't give up but year after year goes by and nothing so I feel like my dream is fading away. Have we been trying to hard on our own and not letting God be in control? But we went years without doing anything, then gradually doing a little more and now the specialist. I'm not sure. And being a teacher is hard. I have all these wonderful, adorable students that I teach and care for. I wonder what it's like to actually be a parent. We have lots of friends with wonderful children. It's so hard to hang out time and again. I try not to be jealous, and to smile and have a good attitude but when the conversation switches to diapers and mom's groups I'm left out. I know God wants me to have a good attitude and so I press on. I pray for them and their children and hope someday I get to be a mom.

It's also stressful having to take time off of school. People ask what kind of doctors appointment do I have - I'm not visibly sick. So then I have to explain or not explain. That's hard. I want to give up and I want to never give up. Well, having this blog helps get it out. I know there are more women going through this then one would think. I see them all in the waiting room at the doctors office. It's sad. Last week, when I went to the doctors, I saw a woman in a wheelchair in hospital clothes and her head was bent and she was leaning on her hand with wadded up tissues. My heart went out to her and I prayed for her on the spot. She looked sooo sad and I never even saw her face. Did she work hard and suffer a loss? I don't know what her story is but I know that just being in that office means it isn't a good thing. Well, I have little hope that this cycle will work. Maybe I'll be surprised. But mostly I've had so many disappointments that I don't see why it would. Except with God. But I'm looking ahead, preparing myself for surgery in the future. I will be more comfortable with that fibroid gone...

Lord, I pray for all the women out there suffering from fertility issues. Comfort them, give them hope, bless them Lord. We know you never give us more then we can handle but this burden is so heavy. Give us all guidance and help us to know Your will in this. In Jesus name I ask and pray. Amen.

My Story

I was the little girl who had dolls upon dolls and I loved to care for them. I used real diapers whenever possible and saved up my allowance to buy the original Baby Alive. You could mix up this neon toxic looking goo and feed it to your poor doll and by using a lever in her back she would "eat" the food and "poo" it out into a real diaper. Oh delight of my heart! The commercial even said "I love the way you make me feel - you're so real." When I was 7 my brother was born and I loved taking care of his baby needs. When he outgrew his baby stuff my mom gave me some of the clothes and items and I set up housekeeping in my room. My ambitions in life were to go to college (because you were supposed to), do art and get married and have babies and a home of my own. Well, I grew up, went to graphic design school and became a graphic designer, got married, went back to school, became a teacher and still no kids. My husband and I even talked about how we wanted to have kids 2 months after we met. We've been married 10 years this year and still no kids. So this is my journey into the world of infertility...I know that God has a good plan for my life and won't let these desires of our hearts go unfulfilled but how it all works out only He knows.

We knew there was something going on when we started having unprotected intercourse and nothing happened after a year. But I was going back to school and so did my husband (we're both teachers now) and so we put it on the shelf. After I started teaching I began reading books on fertility, especially "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" by Toni Weschler. A definite must read by the way. http://www.tcoyf.com/. I learned how to read my body signs, how to take my temperature and chart it, how to use that in conjunction with ovulation kits to determine the best time of the cycle to get pregnant. Basically how my body really works. I became almost obsessed with myself. I was determined to make it happen. I bought this stuff called Preseed and I'm sure it works well for some people. Not me. I thought maybe my cervical mucus was hostile or not adequate. I tried taking the Robitussin, I tried using those cups you insert to keep the sperm "up there." I spent hours on the internet reading blogs and posts. I tried everything I could find. I cut things out of my diet. I added them. But nothing worked. So then I decided to get more serious. I made an appointment with a new OBGYN and they began tests on me. They took my blood and it was determined that I had high FSH levels. I remember I was on a little getaway with my husband right before Christmas when I got that message from the doctors. I looked up what it meant and it meant that I could be going into early menopause. I freaked out and got together with my friend at Starbucks and cried and cried. I thought it was over. But then they had me start taking Clomid and I responded really well. My levels came back normal and all seemed well. I also had to have a hysterosalpingogram, where they check to see if your tubes were clear. That was scary - I read it can be extremely painful, especially if you do have blockage. It was awkward, slightly uncomfortable but not painful for me thank goodness and my tubes were clear! My doctor said great - you'll probably get pregnant with the Clomid - you have good follicles growing etc. But I didn't. After three months of hoping, waiting, analyzing signs nothing had happened. So then, in a hurry, the nurse practitioner (I rarely saw the doctor) told me we had to go for an IUI (intrauterine insemination) with that current cycle (my fourth). I didn't know what it meant or what to expect. My husband's sperm was in the low-normal range and I had follicles so it was a go. I got a shot in my behind of HCG to make my eggs release and then we were told to return with my husbands sample like two days later. We had to scramble to take time off of work and make sure we had the money (insurance doesn't cover infertility). It worked out that we took care of dear husband (DH) in the morning and he went back to work and I went later for the actual procedure. It's supposed to be very simple. They thread a very small catheter up your cervix into your uterus and insert the washed and prepared sperm sample. Then egg and sperm should meet and voila! But my experience was anything but that. This nurse practitioner performed the procedure and said she did them all the time. She couldn't get the catheter up my cervix and said she had to dilate me. I'm not entirely sure what went on "down there" but it involved metal tongs, pain and a lot of bleeding. She said she couldn't get it all the way up but was sure it was fine. I left in pain and knowing it didn't work. I felt like there was something seriously wrong with me and I was majorly discouraged. Then, to top it off, after an extremely difficult two week wait, my period was 2 days late. It is NEVER late. So my hopes rose a little and then when my period came that was it. It was Friday, November 13th. I became depressed, angry at God, angry at everyone and would mope around. Finally one day my husband said here's some money - go shopping - you're too depressed. Poor guy. That day I found this book at the Christian book store called Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow by Nancy Guthrie. It snapped me out of my depression, I got over myself and long story short the journey to teach in Hong Kong began. That's where I find myself now. In Hong Kong. And I've begun the fertility journey again - here in a strange country. Maybe God holds the answers for me here. That is yet to be discovered.